Controlled Falling

For the first time when I was watching a video on form, I heard running mechanics described as “controlled falling” and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that term since. You propel your body forward, and catch it on each step with your legs. Which is also how I very often feel stumbling through my mid-20’s (if I can still claim that term after turning 28 last month). Leaping ahead, catching my body after throwing myself into some new and uncharted territory — moving out, getting a more serious job, the regular trials and tribulations of being a 28 year teenage old girl. It’s a constant loop of “can I do this? I’ve never done it before. Oh I guess I can? Let’s try again,” over and over and over. 

Through this process, I‘ve realized I don’t know what I can do, and that’s the only way I grow. I start out every run a bit unsure of how it will go. It’s a bit of a bargain if it will be a jog where I start crying about the beauty of life and all of humanity or if I’ll feel utterly dehydrated staring at my watch every 30 seconds to see that only 10 seconds have truly passed. 

I ran 20 miles for the very first time this weekend. Before I even took my first step of the run, I knew I’d be running for 4 hours, and by the end would complete a mileage I’d never done. How do you even start something like that? Only by running the mile you’re on and hoping you can surprise yourself, trusting that your training has been sufficient.

Each of these long runs feels like my own personal marathon except there are no spectators, no medal, no fancy finisher’s jacket. As much as they’re physical feats that I’m teaching my body how to overcome, the challenges are equally mental. I have to be the one to get myself through, and the voice of encouragement in my head has to be louder than the one that’s thinking “I truly don’t know if I can do this.” 

Training has walked me through how to embrace every stage of the process. The tough runs show me my own grit and self discipline, and the invigorating runs feel so triumphant. I have really fallen in love with the ebbs and flows, learning that no matter what the outcome is, I remain my own constant companion and cheerleader.

During the difficult times, I’m reminded that I am so lucky to have the time, health, support, and financial freedom to train and fly across the country to run in the world’s largest marathon. I am lucky to be on team Sandy Hook Promise, and I’m lucky to in some small way carry on the legacy of people who have lost their lives to gun violence.

Yes, it’s controlled falling, but the emphasis is on the controlled. That’s what the training is for.